short jokes

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Really annoyed now, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!!"


Profound Thoughts.... How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think; well, that's not going to happen.


According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."


You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here illegally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

You could be a Redneck if... You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Suppose to be a true story: George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot all the sons of butches ! .” Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Disposal of the disposal

Why do home projects turn into the resurrection of Rome?

For one, just once, I'd like a simple repair to just be simple. I admit this one is on me. I did it. I ruined my disposal. Kids don't try this at home.

The darn thing was a bit sluggish. It is 10 years old, but still, I never feed it anything but things only elderly people can chow. So I figured it would last most my adult life.

That is until it got sluggish. And I got tired of seeing the gunk come whirling up at me like food reversal on Fear Factor. So in a flash of stupidity, kids don't try this at home, I poured Drano on top of the disposal. Problem solved.

A few days later, the splash guard was gone and as I peered in the sink the rusty teeth of the disposal were clearly visible. Turning the disposal on gave me a face bidet.

Off to a home repair store, I found a replacement splash guard, hardly $3. First warning sign of disaster… repair part is under $5.

Got home and found repair part doesn't just pop in. No, I have to remove the entire garbage disposal to put it in.

Like most, I have a plethora of cleansers, soaps, and junk under the sink, so all that had to be removed. Unplugged the disposal, unlatched it and took it out. This is the motor part out now sitting on the counter; the splash guard is still lodged in the sink.

Lo and behold, I can't figure out how to get the thing apart. I bang, I tug, I rip up the old splash guard or what's left of it. Then out of frustration and anger, I start on the sink flange and beat the pudding out of it.

Back at the home repair store looking for a new sink flange, I notice the old disposal I have is pretty wimpy, it's only a third horsepower, and those 5 hp look so nice. $140 later and some plumbers putty I return home.

Lying on my back with flashlight, I find the offending snap ring holding the entire clamp assembly on to the sink flange and once that got out, I was able to take the splash guard out.

The new disposal went in well enough despite the engraving on the sink flange being a tad skewed, matching my opinion of home repair.