short jokes

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Really annoyed now, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!!"


Profound Thoughts.... How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think; well, that's not going to happen.


According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."


You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here illegally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

You could be a Redneck if... You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Suppose to be a true story: George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot all the sons of butches ! .” Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"