Scientology

By now you're probably sick of Tom Cruise but because of his movie promotion engagement to Katie Holmes, convulsing on Oprah's couch, and escapade with Matt Lauer, he has shed some interest in Scientology (the pseudo-religion Tommie espouses). Being the dedicated alcoholic fact checker I am – I went to investigate a Scientology Temple (or maybe it was a Starbucks) and came up with these little known facts about the Church of Scientology.

10. Mormon mission: membership by procreation. Scientology mission: UFO's.
9. Jesse Jackson is seeking reparations because of slavery in one of L. Ron Hubbard's novels.
8. Bad overacting or movie (say Look Who's Talking Too or The Last Samurai) makes you an honorary deacon of the church. I think Ben Affleck's a Bishop already.
7. Communion – Day Glo Kool Aid and organic vegetables.
6. Promotion and advancement in the church is very very very similar to Amway multi-level marketing without the cool products.
5. Along those same lines, vitamins to cure illnesses and diseases only work if purchased from an authorized Church of Scientology member.
4. Apparently, L. Ron Hubbard was at Woodstock but didn't inhale (or had some of Jim Jones' koolaid and survived).
3. If you play "Dianetics" backwards, you hear Donald Trump singing "Money, money, money" talk about Nostradamus.
2. There's nothing in the entire religion about sacrificing virgins. What the hell kind of religion do you have if you don't sacrifice virgins? Maybe the whores will sacrifice something for them.
1. The philosophy of the Scientologists includes the belief that eating live human babies will give them the power to teleport inside their own internal cestpool sanctum. I wonder what's age limit for the babies that they have on this?